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Archive for February, 2008

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Why, YES, those are indeed nail art to the extreme.  It's kind of awesome in that gross/nasty/un-hygienic sort of way.  (source)

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Seriously, they don't look ok to me.  They look about ready to explode — a pair of face hugging aliens will pop out of those babies and jump on my face and MAKE ME STUPID.  But totally in a good booby way.

Oh Lene Alexandra, your lyrics are pure fucking poetry.  With gems like:

"I'm lazy, admit it, work is not for me
Busy doing nothing
I'm a beauty queen
I don't cook, I don't clean
They do it for me
I'm such a stupid girl"

and

"Just stupid to study
I ain't got a brain
So I never went to college
Couldn't find the way"

Oh man, you're awesome.  I'm so glad you exist in this world.  I can happily die right now after having seen this award winning video.

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…at cooking rice. I have been soundly, roundly, indubitably defeated by some goddamed rice.  And by some, I mean a 50lb bag of short grain, japanese-style, sushi rice.

I have cooked rice on the stove top, in a rice cooker, in a clay pot, even in bamboo.  I was 5 when I cooked my first pot of rice (I burned the bottom) using my grandma's heavy ass, iron pot.  She taught me how to cook rice in a clay pot covered with a banana leaf.  I learned how to steam rice in bamboo at Home Economics class when I was 10.

When I moved to the US, I was THRILLED at the idea of a rice cooker. Imagine, just set it and forget it*!  No more burned rice, ever.  When I left for college, I took my mom's old rice cooker to use in my dorm room.  I found that rice, soy sauce, furikake and pork floss is the best fucking meal on the planet.  I'd sneer at the dry, cardboard-tasting Uncle Ben's rice served in the dorm cafeteria.  I've cooked with basmanti, japanese, jasmine.  I was a goddamned hostess – serving rice and sodium to all and sundry. 

Yet, have I somehow offended the Rice Gods?  Why is it that when I try to cook rice now, it comes out claggy, clumpy and overly wet?  I've tried EVERYTHING:  washed it until the water ran clear. I rinsed only once.  I presoaked.  I drained and dried after presoak. I didn't soak at all.  I cooked with a ratio of 1 part rice :1 part water.  I cooked with a ratio of 1 part rice, .75 of water.  I erred the other way and added MORE water. I fluffed the rice with a fork. I've left it alone.  Nothing fucking works.  I still get claggy, gluey, mooshy, unappetizing rice. 

Is it me? Is it my rice cooker? Is it the raw rice?  I fail. I FAIL SO HARD AT THIS RICE BUSINESS.

 

*sorry, Ron Popeil.  I had to use it, you see?

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You are my valentine!

Happy Venereal Day, everyone!  Remember: a condom each lay keeps the syphillis away!!

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