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Archive for April, 2008

Silly numpties!

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So I'm flippin' through all my social networks (I'm busy at work. So I'm procrastinating. It is the story of my life) and I'm all – hey, let me see if I can find any cousins/old friends/family in the Philippines on this thing!

I do a quick search on the family name and I get a list of names that nearly made me pee my pants. 

  1. Lust.  No, for fucking real. Some parent named their kid LUST. Remember, the Philippines is primarily Roman Catholic.  To name your kid that one out of the 7 Deadly Sins is pretty fucking hilarious. I guess it's better than Gluttony.  I would've lobbied for Vanity myself.
  2. Aids.  Yeah. I don't know.
  3. Lard.  Maybe it's a nickname.  I don't care, I'd knock someone's teeth out if they called me Lard.
  4. Maria Clara Emmanuel Joy Olive.  That is her entire name.  I haven't even added the mother's maiden name and last name.  Why would you punish your kid like that?  Imagine, she's in first grade, the teacher gives a pop quiz.  Teacher asks kids to write their name.  The quiz is over and poor Maria Clara Emmanuel Joy Olive hasn't even finished writing her first name.
  5. BabyMae.. Sweet motherfucking lord.  I know, I know, Baby is totally a normal name/nickname in the Phils, but it still cracks my shit up. I also love the lack of space, yet the extra capitalization.
  6. Utot. This has got to be a joke or funny nickname though.  Because if your parents named you "Fart," it is because they HATE YOU.
  7. Yrene. I'm assuming that's pronounced I-rene. 

Oh my people, you crack my shit up.


ETA: I should have known there was some kind of explanation for the weirdness.

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My niece is getting to be that age. Yes, that age when the sweet, adorable darling is kidnapped by demonic beings and is replaced by a sullen, zitty, body-hair-y, attitude-problem-y monster.

That's right, ladies and gents. Michele's going through puberty. *cue music*

Was I ever that evil? Don't answer that, Mom, as it was purely rhetorical.  By the way, you are a GODDAMNED SAINT and need to be canonized for going through that shit not once, but three times (and soon to be four).  I am surprised that you did not smother us (and her!) in our sleep.  I am tempted to do so on a weekly basis, and I don't even live with the little snot. That fresh hell is reserved for my poor parents who have the bad luck having custody of the brat. 

As though puberty wasn't enough, there is more delicious torture in the horizon.

Oh, yes.  The talk.  The Birds, the Bees, the STDs.

Mom, being a saint but no superhero, has delegated that responsibility to me.  I, being very smart and having gone to colidge to get edumacated (Thanks again, Mom!  Glad you're getting your $120K's worth somehow!) have decided to split the responsibility with my sister.  She is EVEN SMARTER than me  – she moved more than an hour away from my parents' home.  Unfortunately for her, that's not quite far enough to escape The Talk.

Daphne will provide the Birds and Bees talk.  Thank God for small favors, as the thought of telling my niece about penises and vaginas and what nots gives me the hives.   Daphne has also perfected the Zen Buddha Face. Good – she's gonna need it when my niece peppers her with questions.  Don't forget to take your happy pills, Daphne!  I'll bring some antacids too, just in case.  You, on the other hand, will have to share the freaking valium with Mom, as she putters around the kitchen pretending to clean.

I get to give the fun part of the talk.  I will make sure that I have all sorts of gory, graphic photographs of bleeding sores, oozing pustules, missing appendages, ad nauseum.   Images of strange scuttling creatures that nest in your crotchal region? Check.  Boils the size of small volcanoes? Check.  Goatse.cx? CHECK!!!  Ok, that last one really is for pure gross out impact.   Also, it's funny.

Yes, yes, you're thinking "Oh GOD, you're going to traumatize her!"  or "Shit, that's fucking cruel." or even "Lorelei, you're going to roast in hell." Well, you'd be right. 

Huh. I'm kind of looking forward to it now.

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This one HAS to be my favorite though: This is my second favorite (my favorite can't be embedded, so you'll have to search for Man Stroke Woman Babies). 


GENIUS.

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