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Archive for November, 2008

Back from a whirlwind trip from the Philippines!  I will regale you with my adventures in Manila at a later date.

In the meantime, I am a tiny, itsy-bitsy bit glad to be back.  Because shit is hilarious here!

I got to listen to Bridezilla having not-so-subtle phone conversations with her maid of honor/bridesmaid/mom/father/Jesus//Big Foot/her wedding planner/herself/her pathetic, spineless fiance.  Some of the stuff I’ve overheard:

  1. Who is NOT on the guest list. I quote: “No, Jonathan, you cannot invite your nearest and dearest because it’s MY DAY and I don’t like person X, Y and Z, and are you trying to ruin MY DAY?  You’re the groom. You’re just supposed to show up and stand at the altar!”  Jonathan, you poor bastard, grow a pair and dump her ass.  She’s fucking bug-shit insane.
  2. Issue marching orders to her maid of honor/bridesmaids.  “No, bridesmaid #2, you will wear the shoes that I have chosen. I don’t care if your feet are hurting and your bunions are getting smashed.  Suck it up. It’s MY DAY.”
  3. “Oh Daddy, you know I’m your princess!  Yes, flowers do too cost $15,000.  Also, I want the special table linens that were woven by nubile young virgins and hand dyed by blind grandmothers from Japan!”
  4. Bitch out her wedding planner.  A lot.  Damn, Bridezilla’s harsh.  In fact, today, she was haranguing her planner for not picking up the phone when our Bridezilla tried to call.  At midnight.  On a weekday.  To discuss the runner.  Now I thought that the runner was some kind of assistant/gopher/errand person.Wrongity wrong wrong wrong.  It’s that (custom made! being stritched together in New York! By sweatshop vietnamese peoples!) sheet that they put on the aisle for the bride to walk on. Because you know, a carpet or a floor is not good enough for this bride to be steppin’ on.  WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
  5. Today, she just had a discussion that, of course she might be over budget, but it’s “MY DAY” and besides, spending $135,000 (and counting! I’m waiting for her to start talking about flying in the Vienna Boy’s Choir or whomever to serenade her as she walks down the aisle. On her custom runner) on a wedding is sooo worth it.  Because – that’s right! – it’s “MY DAY.
  6. She’s now whining to one of her friends that her place settings on the registry hasn’t been bought yet, and why is that?   Why are people so cheap that they won’t buy her the $200+/setting (and I’m thinking she’s asked for 8 settings)?  Damn. And here I thought a wedding was about exchanging vows of love and commitment and celebrating with the people that you love best in the world. Stupid me.

DEAR SANTA,

FOR CHRISTMAS, I WOULD LIKE TO PUNCH HER IN THE FALLOPIAN TUBES. THANK YOU!

LOVE, LORELEI

 

 

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